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Post by Ted on Jul 14, 2014 15:10:18 GMT -8
I've been working with a friend on an ebook for some time now and I expect to be finished by 2214. I thought revisions with one head were troublesome. HA!!
Below is the sentence in question. I like it as one piece, albeit a long one. My friend thinks it's too long and may even be a run-on. My writing skills are for the ear, so my friend may be correct. So, should the long sentence below be left as is or broken down into 2 or more pieces?
"The one single point during my 7th year was learning life can throw you cruel and unusual punishments like gym glass and learning to play the Recorder. The fat girls were always last to finish a lap around the gym, which likely caused stress which in turn led to eating more, and while learning to play the Recorder did train young girls to place their lips around long, hard, holed things and blow, it was terribly awkward for some girls who just couldn’t grasp the phallic symbolism provided by the Recorder and probably later in life resulted in their having many failed relationships."
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Post by Julie Harris on Jul 14, 2014 16:00:11 GMT -8
"The one single point during my 7th year was learning life can throw you cruel and unusual punishments like gym glass and learning to play the Recorder. The fat girls were always last to finish a lap around the gym(dash)which likely caused stress which in turn led to eating more(dash)and while learning to play the Recorder did train young girls to place their lips around long, hard, holed things and blow... It was terribly awkward for some girls who just couldn’t grasp the phallic symbolism provided by the Recorder, and probably later in life resulted in their having many failed relationships."
Boy, I had to read it three times to get the gist of it. Solution: a couple of dashes (em or en you choose) and a whatsit-thingy after 'blow' and a comma after Recorder. Excuse the tech terms but my brain's on holiday this morning. Why does Recorder have a capital?
Julie.
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Post by Ted on Jul 14, 2014 18:26:45 GMT -8
Much clearer. Thank you.  |
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serbanvcenache
SWF Writers
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Post by serbanvcenache on Jul 14, 2014 23:12:46 GMT -8
A couple of dashes and points and it's clearer for the eye.  I must commend you, Ted. I don't know what it's like to be working with another brain on writing. If it were a scientific text, I'd understand it; but fiction or literary non-fiction... You must be great at sharing. ^_^ |
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chelsfield
SWF Writers
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Post by chelsfield on Jul 14, 2014 23:55:32 GMT -8
I've been working with a friend on an ebook for some time now and I expect to be finished by 2214. I thought revisions with one head were troublesome. HA!! Below is the sentence in question. I like it as one piece, albeit a long one. My friend thinks it's too long and may even be a run-on. My writing skills are for the ear, so my friend may be correct. So, should the long sentence below be left as is or broken down into 2 or more pieces? "The one single point during my 7th year was learning life can throw you cruel and unusual punishments like gym glass and learning to play the Recorder. The fat girls were always last to finish a lap around the gym, which likely caused stress which in turn led to eating more, and while learning to play the Recorder did train young girls to place their lips around long, hard, holed things and blow, it was terribly awkward for some girls who just couldn’t grasp the phallic symbolism provided by the Recorder and probably later in life resulted in their having many failed relationships." There is certainly a lot there! I would be inclined to place a period (full stop in Canada?) after "led to eating more," and begin a new sentence with "While learning to play..." The second sentence is filled with words but only two points which are distinct and unrelated. I am assuming that the second point is more germain to your story, so it should not be weighed down (sorry, tried desperately to think of another phrase, but couldn't escape the bad pun) with one that is purely descriptive. If you think that the weight of the girls is somehow related to the point about the recorder, you will have to try harder at making the reader see how it is connected. Otherwise, the last sentence could apply to any school girl, not just the fat ones. 'Holed' seems awkward, but I cannot think of a better adjective to create what you are after. And does one capitalize the 'r' in 'recorder'? It's not done for other instruments... Finished a little while ago a book of correspondence between Eudora Welty and William Maxwell ( he edited her stories for the New Yorker) where they got down to this level of detail when editing each other. Maybe I'm a bit of a weirdo but I really enjoy these kind of discussions! So, thanks for the question, Ted. I am getting visions of Portnoy's Complaint in just these few sentences.... |
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Post by Ted on Jul 15, 2014 3:45:46 GMT -8
Wonderful points, chelsfield. I'm with you; I enjoy these kind of discussions. I'll change the R back to r in recorder.
Serbanvenache, the most difficult part for me collaborating with another, especially when that other is a friend, is being told or sent other anecdotes which could fit lovely in the story, then trying to find where and how to place these pieces of information. Sometimes it becomes a domino effect where a little rewrite becomes an avalanche. The story is based upon actual events, only adding to the bits and pieces of memory floating to the surface now and then.
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Ria Stone
SWF Writers
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Post by Ria Stone on Jul 15, 2014 5:57:20 GMT -8
I saw two sentences. So I copied the second.
Original
The one single point during my 7th year was learning life can throw you cruel and unusual punishments like gym glass and learning to play the Recorder. The fat girls were always last to finish a lap around the gym, which likely caused stress which in turn led to eating more, and while learning to play the Recorder did train young girls to place their lips around long, hard, holed things and blow, it was terribly awkward for some girls who just couldn’t grasp the phallic symbolism provided by the Recorder and probably later in life resulted in their having many failed relationships.
Revised
The fat girls were always last to finish a lap around the gym. This likely caused stress which in turn led to eating more. While learning to play the Recorder did train young girls to place their lips around long, hard, holed things and blow, it was terribly awkward for some girls who just couldn’t grasp the phallic symbolism provided by the Recorder and probably later in life resulted in their having many failed relationships.
Hmmm, notes on reaction. When I have to reread a sentence to fully understand it, I think it needs to be reworked.
Two, looking at revision, I think what may have been my problem is the first part of sentence is about fat girls but leads to all girls without making it clear.
There is nothing wrong with long sentences. I like variety.
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Post by Ted on Jul 15, 2014 6:47:39 GMT -8
Asking this question has been hugely beneficial in editing the existing work and will help in crafting it to fruition. My friend and I are now reviewing all long sentences in the work in progress.
E=MC2
In this case means 'E' is Energy used in creating work, 'M' is level of eye strain from staring at monitor, and 'C' is the number of raw fingers from typing on keyboard.
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I must commend you, Ted. I don't know what it's like to be working with another brain on writing. If it were a scientific text, I'd understand it; but fiction or literary non-fiction... You must be great at sharing. ^_^
